Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I don’t get marriage
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
he was correct
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk