Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?