[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Life with a cat in one tweet
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
United Steaks of America
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I didn’t realize that was an option
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!