[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Smooooooth
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I came this close!!!!
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people