[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.