(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
This is true.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.