INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅