Roses are red
Violets are blue
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
no cat here
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
the three branches of government
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?