[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.