“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
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My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday