@ThaPrinceTaylor: iPhone 6 for $900 or a ski mask for $1.99.. Your choice
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@ericsshadow: If your phone fell in a toilet, you would... 1995: ...leave it, toilets are gross Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
@hayes_t_r: Chemists do tell jokes, but there's no reaction because all their people skills Argon. Omg, that's Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.
@Home_Halfway: Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
@kelkulus: Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU