*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t