You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.