iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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where do you see yourself in five years?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that