iPhone X
You Might Also Like
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying