Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Sex so good you see dead people.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”