*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.