Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.