I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
You Might Also Like
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
i hate you platonically
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Goodnight 🐶
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you