*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12