Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Scream sneezers need love too.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.