Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
X-tra spooky blend
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”