@SexyInsomniac: Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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@slimmy_shady: I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
@trentistweeting: ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*
@noneofyours99: That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.