@jenstatsky: Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he's at work
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@NewDadNotes: Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior? Me: of course! please come in! [door slams shut and locks] [lights dim] [my PowerPoint presentation begins] Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
@Mikecanrant: I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off. Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.