@jenstatsky: Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he's at work
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@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order? ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special WAITER: Oh yes he's very special [chef in background sheds a tear]
@Darlainky: I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
@LostFelicia: I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
@rcromwell4: My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.