Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
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Born to be mild.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Oh we’ve met.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is