Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you