[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.