Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.