Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.