Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My patience has stretch marks.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA