[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
OH. COME. ON.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
me
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right