bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast