Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Air conditioning – not a fan
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.