Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.