Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Meanwhile in Canada…
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken