Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Interior design 👌
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.