Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Black Friday “markdowns” like
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.