Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
The glockness monster
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
And now we wait
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??