Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
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12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.