Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
That eye roll….
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
SF is the wild wild west man
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.