Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
This guy’s not having it 😆
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers