Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?