GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
🤣🤣🤣
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.