Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*