“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY