is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
You Might Also Like
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!