Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You Might Also Like
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Care for your back
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it