Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.