Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Plant care tips
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
getting corrected
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.