Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.