If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.