Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
HER: have you decided where you鈥檙e going to live
ME: I鈥檓 still on the fence
HER: that鈥檚 why I asked
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Pot warmers of the day.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
MOM: sleep tight, don鈥檛 let the bedbugs bite 馃檪
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can鈥檛 bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don鈥檛 need to study the dammed thing.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
If you don鈥檛 get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don鈥檛 get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.